My friend and I were talking the other day about her recent therapy appointment. She really likes her therapist and feels like she's making some real progress. But this time, when I asked her how it went, my friend wrinkled up her nose and said, "I don't know, it was kind of weird."
"What do you mean, what happened?" I queried.
"Well, she did most the talking."
"Ew," I said. I've paid for my own counseling before, and it feels pretty rotten when you pay upwards of $150 dollars for your session to hear your therapist talk about her life. I asked, "What did she talk about?"
"Well, it was relevant. I mean, she stayed on the right topic. She just talked about herself a lot."
I probed, "Did you say anything to bring the conversation back to you?"
My friend is a lovely, good natured person, and I'm pretty sure I knew the answer before I asked. Of course my friend didn't challenge her therapist. That's a scary thing to do. My friend didn't know what would happen if she interrupted her. Maybe her therapist wouldn't like her as much. Or maybe her therapist would get mad at her. Or worse, maybe her therapist would ignore her concern and just keep on with her own agenda. All of those outcomes feel too risky to people like my friend. They don't want to lose the therapeutic relationship they've invested so much in, so they just keep quiet.
Then I asked, "So what do you think you'll do next time?"
My friend said, "I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to wait and see. Maybe she'll do better next time."
Therapists are humans too, that I get. I'm pretty in touch with my humanity, my limitations and my imperfections. I could probably ignore them if they didn't bite me in the butt so regularly. And about the therapist that takes your session and talks all the way through it? I can relate to that too. I can get pretty chatty sometimes.
Here's the BUT.
Therapists must be better listeners than talkers. A therapist talking too much (and "too much" varies by scenario,) is a result of one of two things.
1) The therapist is trying to work out her own stuff. Your issue struck such a sensitive nerve with your therapist, that she unwittingly starts processing her own stuff right in the middle of YOUR session. Therapists have plenty of "stuff" to work through, like everybody- they just shouldn't work through it on your dime.
2) The therapist has a knack for being preachy. If your therapist starts to talk and it sounds remotely like a rant, that therapist probably needs a podium and a microphone instead of a couch. Again, the therapist is meeting her own emotional needs in the session, instead of attending to yours.
The therapeutic session should always be about the client. It is not appropriate for clients to be responsible for, or take care of the therapist's emotional needs.You've got your own to take care of, and that's enough! That doesn't mean that therapists shouldn't use life examples to help with your understanding, or that telling personal stories is somehow off limits or considered non-therapeutic. A therapist's life experiences can be very helpful to the therapeutic process. However, if you don't feel heard, validated, important or known, then you are entitled to bring it up.
WHAT TO DO: If your therapist is getting a bit (or a lot) chatty about her personal life, do yourself and her a favor by saying something about it. Here's a good example of what to say, "I'd like to bring the session back to my issue. This is what I want to talk about." A statement like this is completely appropriate and neutral. If you say it as soon as you begin feeling uncomfortable, the therapeutic relationship will likely course correct. However, if you wait and just let her keep talking, you'll end up emotionally "checking out" or become so irritated, you quit counseling all together. Chances are she's a great person, and would benefit from your feedback. If you are afraid of expressing your concern to your therapist, then this exercise will be really good for your own growth.
YOU'LL KNOW A GREAT THERAPIST WHEN.... she responds to your concern with care and validation. If she gets defensive, that's a red flag. But if she takes your concern to heart, you've got a keeper.
Cheers to You and the Work you are Doing!
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